Often have a parent to say, oneself child achievement is very good before, how is it worse and worse now?Why does a smart child become stupid?
A 16-year-old visitor was always in the top five of his class in primary school. When he reached junior high school, his grades in key classes of key schools gradually declined all the way to the bottom five.
Junior three, depression, self-harm, later dropped out of school.He has been at home for over a year now.
He felt that no one would care about him at school. He envied other boys to play together, but he was always unwelcome and could not make friends.
You feel like everyone is staring at you, waiting to laugh at you.
Poor grades make you feel inferior.He doesn’t deserve to play with the students with good grades, and he doesn’t want to play with the students with poor grades.
We discussed and found that he felt it was difficult to satisfy his mother, who always had high requirements for him, and if he did well, there were always higher requirements waiting for him, so he felt very tired.
Although his mother praised him, he felt that the praise was unreal. The real feeling was that he knew his mother was not satisfied with him.
And his mother always looked for every chance to teach him:
The world is hierarchical.People with no ability can only do rubbish picking, cleaning, drivers, security guards, such worthless things.These people will be looked down upon by others and will not contribute much to society.
When he encountered problems in his study, the first thing that came to his mind was not how to solve the problem, but how to face his mother’s disappointment.
He said, “I was so afraid that others would look down on me. I was afraid that I might be described as a poor student, so I dared not go to school.I dare not face my parents, teachers and classmates. I don’t want to get in touch with others. I just want to hide quietly at home alone.
For this child, “dumb” is because time spent on other things that make him more anxious, and how to deal with judgment is a more fearful thing.
Later, when his parents interviewed him, his mother said that she longed for her mother’s support when she was young, but her mother never had the ability to protect herself. She always had a hard life and needed to do everything by herself.
So she desperately wanted to be a good mother and be supportive to her children.
When her child’s grades go down, she thinks it’s her problem.
She needs to make sure that she is a good mother and that she can support her children by giving them good grades.
Otherwise she would be anxious all the time.
This anxiety is for the child, as well as for the unsupported self.
At my suggestion, she also made an appointment with a counselor herself to deal with some of her inner troubles.
This could be an opportunity for her relationship with her children.
Many parents find that the older their children get, the more “stupid” they become. But how can they become “stupid”?
A child’s intellectual activity is impaired, a process we call inhibited intellectual function.
Grades are supposed to be a problem for children to solve intellectually, but many parents turn this intellectual activity into emotional stress.
Beating and scolding, criticizing, criticizing and comparing are all ways to elevate the issue that should be solved intellectually to the emotional level.
When an event becomes an emotional memory, we leave the event itself, and we spend a lot of time and emotion dealing with it.
It is a process in which intellectual function is discarded.Because parents simply do not teach children how to use their intelligence to solve their own difficulties.
So a lot of people encounter difficulties, the first is the emotion, and then the process of emotional entanglement.Intelligence is sleeping.
The child was so weak that he broke down before he could use his intelligence.
This may be an important reason why many people become stupid, as the brain activity is largely covered by emotions.
And dealing with emotions is even harder.
How to learn from books is taught by many people, how to balance their emotions, for most of the children, is a “cold subject.”
Zeng Qifeng teacher said, when we should use intelligence to solve a matter, we use emotion to solve, that means we have a certain dose of regression in this matter.
So when parents worry about their kids’ grades, it doesn’t go away.
There is a high probability that this event has something to do with our own psychological predicament.
Like my visitor, his mother was always afraid that she was not doing well and would delay her child’s development.The fear of children in the future useless, useless, and thus lead a hard time.Get stuck in these emotions.
When the child enters junior high school, he has to adapt to the new environment, the pace of learning becomes faster and the curriculum becomes more and more difficult. This is the difficulty that the child meets, but this difficulty can be solved with intelligence.
Children need to use their brains and find ways to deal with more complicated school work. They also need to think about how to balance their study and spare time. They need to learn choices and trade-offs.
But parents’ anxiety and worry can easily derail the process.
For example, some parents often say, how so easy you can not learn, how others can learn you can not, what you are thinking, you do not study so hard, in the future you can do, ready to be eliminated from the society?
Parents’ anxiety and worry can easily turn into blame and contempt for their children.
The child is afraid that he will be judged by others and that he will turn into a person who is not good enough in his mother’s eyes.
A lot of parents guide their children, they always think to tell the truth to their children, they listen to me, do it.They especially want to give their children the support they don’t get and the things they don’t do.
Some parents said that when they were young, young ignorance, do not study well, or do not have the conditions to study well, and later development has been particularly difficult twists and turns, now too late to regret, do not want to let their children go their own way.
So on the child’s grades especially nervous, hope the child study well.
One of my students said,”My father always said he was too young to study.
Now that he is old, he knows that study is very important. But I think he didn’t study hard, nor did he work hard. He used to brush douyin and watch live broadcast every day.
I seriously doubt that when he gets old, he will continue to be old and ignorant.
Now let me study hard and fill his regrets. Why should I fill his regrets in my life? What do I want to do with my life?”