Parents group is supposed to be the bridge between home and school, but in recent years, it has gradually become a “pressure group”.
On the eve of National Day this year, a dad had an emotional breakdown at a parents’ meeting.
Because he often did not reply to parents’ group messages, he was named and reminded by the teacher on the spot, so he could not help crying and explaining:
“I work overtime until midnight every day, meeting and staring at the child, how can watch over.”
This reminds me of my colleague Sister Zhang.
Once, because her daughter made too many mistakes in her homework, she was reminded by the teacher in the parents group three times in a row.
“It was like three slaps across my face, and it was like a hot, hot slap.”
Through observation, I found that:
Every time a teacher praises or criticizes a child in a group of parents, many parents can’t help but feel proud or ashamed.
Some even produce emotional reactions much more intense than the child’s own, such as being ecstatic or furious.
Their emotions always seem to be tightly controlled by the parent group dynamics, full of tension and anxiety.
This huge containment actually stems from a kind of unconscious “excessive involvement”.
In the process of involvement, parents often unconsciously enter the world of a child to face adult problems.
Thus causes the role dislocation, causes a series of contradictions.
My friend, Lingling, is just like that.When her daughter was born, Ling Ling learned a lot about scientific child-rearing concepts and devoted herself to letting her grow up freely and happily.
For the first six years, mother and daughter got along and had a good time.
But things began to change after the children started primary school.
Because of the lack of early bridging courses, my daughter’s foundation is relatively weak. She is slightly inferior to her peers in both writing and arithmetic.
Therefore, Lingling is often reminded by teachers in the group to pay more attention to their children’s study.
At first, she didn’t pay much attention.
But slowly, as the group of bovine children of the parents of the disguised more frequent –
Show your child’s grades today;
Give your child’s acceptance speech at length tomorrow;
The day after tomorrow, a video showing your child studying hard at home…
Lingling was losing her cool.
She began to doubt her own education model, but also began to dislike her daughter’s inaction.
One day after receiving a private letter from her teacher, she was completely flustered.
It said: “Your child is at the bottom of the class in this test, please pay attention!”
At that time, she felt a strong sense of shame, as if she had scored a 0 and then stood on the stage to be laughed at.
So she became more and more anxious.
To keep her daughter up to speed, she started a tiger mother’s life as a student
Drag your daughter into your room to study as soon as you can, even on weekends.
To be more efficient, she even became a teacher herself, digesting and mashing up all the knowledge and instilling it in children.
Finally one day, the teacher praised her daughter’s progress in the group.
At that moment, Ling Ling was so excited that tears filled her eyes, as if the successful counterattack was not her daughter, but her own.
However, this is only the beginning of the “fall”.
Since then, Lingling joyfully joined the group in the parade, and never tired to enjoy being praised by teachers, by other parents surprised glory.
At the same time, in order to maintain the glory of high office, she has to constantly overwork the time and effort.
Every night to stare at her daughter to write homework, not let a single mistake;
Even during the day, she would constantly stare at information from the group of parents and be highly nervous.
If her daughter is praised that day, she will be very happy and radiant.
On the other hand, she gets very upset and scolds her daughter twice as much.
At this point, Lingling completely “lost”.
In this high-pressure atmosphere, her mood became more and more unstable.
In front of her daughter, she even evolved into a temperamental “tyrant”, ready to launch stormy attacks.
As a result, the relationship between mother and daughter became increasingly tense.
From Ling Ling, we can see the common epitome of many parents in front of the parents’ group — involuntarily involved, more and more anxious, more and more haggard.But why is that? I thought for a moment. There are probably two reasons.
One is due to an “unconscious regression”.
Parents group, to a certain extent, has been substituted into the atmosphere of the school, activating various scenes of getting along with teachers when we were children.
In such a scenario, the teacher is the absolute authority, with the right to examine and evaluate “me”.To create an illusion: once the teacher named and reminded, it means that “I” did not do well enough;”I” must work hard to correct, do better, to win the praise and recognition of the teacher.
At this time, “I” is no longer a parent, no longer an adult, but a student in front of the teacher.
The desire to be seen, the desire to be recognized, is the ultimate desire most of us have when we are growing up.
Therefore, it is easy for us to put ourselves into the role of children in the group of parents and seek the affirmation of teachers, so as to achieve our unfulfilled wishes in childhood.